I Think It's Gonna Be A Long Long Time

This is one heck of a song. And these days, though I am feeling more at home in the poly, I am still lonely. I miss my bros. I really do. Yeah, I'm hanging with a new crowd, but most of them can't hold a candle to the old gang.

I'm beginning to find silver linings behind clouds these days, even though I sound rather depressed. Truth be told, I'm just tired. But I trust that strength will come from somewhere.

I've been nosing around in the library, and discovered some interesting stuff. Soundtracks, rock albums, old movies and rare books. I really love just browsing through and enjoying them in what little free time I have. And I really want to change course. Easy option accusations be damned. I just want for once, to do something I want to do. But first, I must finish my fight. Tie up loose ends, and leave no doubt.

It's a good thing many Flag Football (which henceforth will be referred to as FFB,) people are in ECE division. It helps to have some experienced operators around to help the rookie. And they are really nice people. They are probably the ones who most remind me of the old crowd, a bunch of crazy, fun, hyperactive and friendly guys, obsessed with playing and girls, but also serious about studies...to a certain extent(grin at the broken SS rule).

And ever since I saw her, I can't stop thinking about her. How is she? Is she happy? Is she stressed? Will she turn up next time KTH has an outing? When will I next see her again? Will she give me a chance? So many questions, and I might never get any answers. But I say again, better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.

Through The Barrier

Time flows on. I am tired. I am battered. I am bruised. I am weary. I am one with my pain. I am one with my hurt. I am at peace. I am free.

It's been a hard day's work. Woke up late, again(aaaagh, must kick the habit), and got to school, late. Had to put up with remarks from my class. Y'know, I hate most of them. Faggots. They think they are all so goddamn clever, eh? Most of 'em are assholes. I won't waste any more space on them. But to the few who make my classroom life a little more enjoyable, I thank you. Bless your hearts for the kindness you've shown. Thank you.

I'm aching, bruised and battered all over. Flag football was one heck of a battle today. The Atlas Knights played The Black Knights. We lost. 4-1. Respectable, but we could have done better. I went down three times. Once, to a clothesline from Nadia(though she didn't really mean it), once to dive tackle Hashim, and once because something in my back gave way. That last one hurt the most. For a few minutes, I was unable to even stand properly, but had to play through the pain and finish the match. Limped off, and tried to fix it myself. Failed miserably, but still managed to get to a nearby pillar, to lean on and take some strain off.

The funny thing is, when I was slumped against that pillar, I was hoping for something to take my mind off the annoying, and very persistent ache in my back. I sure as heck got it. And what a boost it was.

She walked by. She Walked By. SHE WALKED BY! And all I could say was f*cking "Hi!" Dammit, I couldn't even stand properly, let alone walk up to her and ask her out. WHY! Why is it that Lady Luck and her daughter Ms Fortune absolutely must walk hand in effin' hand? Jesus, Mary and Joseph in Tinseltown! Oh, Mary Magdalene! All the Saints and Martyrs and Jesus! Did I happen to mention Jesus? (Spot the movie reference.)

But despite all my bemoaning of Lady Luck's daughter, I still feel really light-headed. I don't know. It's like the minute I saw her I forgot what the hell was wrong with my back. Every nerve in my back was screaming "Sit down, you fool!", but I couldn't give a rat's ass. I swear, even my brain seemed to shut down for a while, and I lost most powers of speech.

I have not seen her in a long time. But her face seems somehow etched in my memory. Like a program you can never delete, and don't want to. Somebody told me at the start of poly, if you don't forget her after three months of not seeing her, it's probably not just a crush. But never rush these things. Be a friend first, boyfriend can wait. Wise words, and I'll follow them. But perhaps I'll allow myself the little indulgence of saying... I Love You.